Precious Pear #8
January 3, 2006
SWF seeks SM, 18-50
I am fun-loving and open-minded. Blond hair, blue eyes. I enjoy the finer things in life, but never take the simple things for granted either. Looking for someone from any background to teach me new things.
Results: Rookie mistake. In personal ad lingo, “open-minded” means “slut”. And looking to try “new things” means “kinky slut”. Roger showed up with claw marks on his forearms and what I swear was the outline of a woman’s corset under his polo shirt. I asked if we should look at the wine menu. He asked if I had picked out a safety word. I downed my pinot noir and told him (as I was walking out the door) that I didn’t think we had the same goals in life.
February 21, 2006
SWF seeks SM, 18-50
I am fun-loving, but realistic. Blond hair, blue eyes. I enjoy tennis, reading, and Eastern European cuisine. All backgrounds welcome, but foreign languages are a plus, as is world travel.
Results: I hadn’t wanted to limit the ages too much, but Miklos was a mechanic whose look at 50 had come and gone while I was still playing with slap bracelets and hyper-color t-shirts. He spoke in nothing but spittle-laden Czech and intermittent English profanity. When he showed up at French Laundry in torn jeans reeking of motor oil, I was embarrassed. And then embarrassed for being embarrassed. I ate quietly and did not ask for a second date. He didn’t either… I think.
April 04, 2006
SWF seeks SM, 21-40
I am intelligent and realistic, but still like to have fun. Blond hair, blue eyes. I enjoy tennis, reading, and Eastern European cuisine. You should have an ambitious and rewarding career and encourage me to have the same.
Results:
36- minutes late he was to dinner
3- times he corrected me, “It’s not STEVE-en, it’s STEPH-on”
90- number of “f”s that are apparently in STEPH-on
7- answered phone calls during dinner
1- time he asked me if I was serious about wanting a career, because he could, you know, totally pay for me to shop all day. As long as I didn’t tell his wife.
May 29, 2006
SWF seeks SM, 25-29
I am not as smart as I thought I was, but am still smarter than you. Brown hair, grey eyes. I enjoy biking, reality television, and Cherry Garcia. Ideally, you would be intelligent, witty, attractive, and charming, but you won’t be so I’ll settle for no felony convictions, fluent English, and no wife.
Results: An inbox full of emails saying I seemed uptight and offers to “loosen me up”, plus one coffee date with Alan. Alan must take 11 items through the express checkout or have dismembered human parts in his freezer, because everything else about him was perfect. Alan actually was intelligent, witty, attractive, and charming. But Alan was also moving next week to teach in Ireland (see, perfect). He had used personal ads for three years with only mild success and recognized a familiar tone of desperation and cynicism in mine that belied a good person in there somewhere. He told me not to give up and to keep an open mind (although do not, under any circumstances, say that in the ad- see Jan. 3). Put only the things that are vital in the ad. The things you could absolutely not live without. Let everything else take its course and see if life surprises you.
Okay, but if it doesn’t work, I swear I’m flying to Ireland this time next year.
July 1, 2006
SWF seeks SM.
Looking for someone who can satisfy me in bed and make me laugh.
Sometimes simultaneously.
Everything else is negotiable.
Results: pending
SWF seeks SM, 18-50
I am fun-loving and open-minded. Blond hair, blue eyes. I enjoy the finer things in life, but never take the simple things for granted either. Looking for someone from any background to teach me new things.
Results: Rookie mistake. In personal ad lingo, “open-minded” means “slut”. And looking to try “new things” means “kinky slut”. Roger showed up with claw marks on his forearms and what I swear was the outline of a woman’s corset under his polo shirt. I asked if we should look at the wine menu. He asked if I had picked out a safety word. I downed my pinot noir and told him (as I was walking out the door) that I didn’t think we had the same goals in life.
February 21, 2006
SWF seeks SM, 18-50
I am fun-loving, but realistic. Blond hair, blue eyes. I enjoy tennis, reading, and Eastern European cuisine. All backgrounds welcome, but foreign languages are a plus, as is world travel.
Results: I hadn’t wanted to limit the ages too much, but Miklos was a mechanic whose look at 50 had come and gone while I was still playing with slap bracelets and hyper-color t-shirts. He spoke in nothing but spittle-laden Czech and intermittent English profanity. When he showed up at French Laundry in torn jeans reeking of motor oil, I was embarrassed. And then embarrassed for being embarrassed. I ate quietly and did not ask for a second date. He didn’t either… I think.
April 04, 2006
SWF seeks SM, 21-40
I am intelligent and realistic, but still like to have fun. Blond hair, blue eyes. I enjoy tennis, reading, and Eastern European cuisine. You should have an ambitious and rewarding career and encourage me to have the same.
Results:
36- minutes late he was to dinner
3- times he corrected me, “It’s not STEVE-en, it’s STEPH-on”
90- number of “f”s that are apparently in STEPH-on
7- answered phone calls during dinner
1- time he asked me if I was serious about wanting a career, because he could, you know, totally pay for me to shop all day. As long as I didn’t tell his wife.
May 29, 2006
SWF seeks SM, 25-29
I am not as smart as I thought I was, but am still smarter than you. Brown hair, grey eyes. I enjoy biking, reality television, and Cherry Garcia. Ideally, you would be intelligent, witty, attractive, and charming, but you won’t be so I’ll settle for no felony convictions, fluent English, and no wife.
Results: An inbox full of emails saying I seemed uptight and offers to “loosen me up”, plus one coffee date with Alan. Alan must take 11 items through the express checkout or have dismembered human parts in his freezer, because everything else about him was perfect. Alan actually was intelligent, witty, attractive, and charming. But Alan was also moving next week to teach in Ireland (see, perfect). He had used personal ads for three years with only mild success and recognized a familiar tone of desperation and cynicism in mine that belied a good person in there somewhere. He told me not to give up and to keep an open mind (although do not, under any circumstances, say that in the ad- see Jan. 3). Put only the things that are vital in the ad. The things you could absolutely not live without. Let everything else take its course and see if life surprises you.
Okay, but if it doesn’t work, I swear I’m flying to Ireland this time next year.
July 1, 2006
SWF seeks SM.
Looking for someone who can satisfy me in bed and make me laugh.
Sometimes simultaneously.
Everything else is negotiable.
Results: pending
posted by Anonymous at 11:05 AM
1 Comments:
This was great. Seriously, you must have checked out craigslist for research on something because this is just really awesome. Good, good work.
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