Mighty Mango #8
WANTED: Boyfriend.
Must like (ironically) Fraggle Rock, Care Bear cartoons, He-Man; must like (non-ironically) early Bowie, Mr. Show with Bob and David, etc. Willing to negotiate on late Bowie.
Must not be picky. Must not be wishy-washy. Must have strong preferences about which you are flexible. Must think my own inconsistencies with my desires is cute and/or mysterious. Must be willing to tell people you think so (not your mom) (mom okay if you tell several others).
Must have been raised Jewish and/or Catholic (no Presbyterians) but must not still be practicing in any sense. Muslims, other turban-centric religions need not apply. No Taoists. Buddhists OK. Confucians will require second round of interviews.
Must like cherries, strawberries, red grapes (no purples!!). Boysenberries absolutely unacceptable. Must be tall but not too tall. Must be strong but not "built." Tan okay. Pale okay. No acne. Must have own car.
Gay friends a plus. Gay parents a big plus. No "recovering gays" unless you went to the camp ironically. Fans of "But I'm a Cheerleader" encouraged to apply.
Must be willing to make up bands when asked what favorite bands are. MUST sound real. No cheating with computerized fake band generation programs.
Must like moonlight walks. Must dislike walks unlit by moonlight (includes sunlight). No bankers. Certain kinds of lawyers acceptable. Record store clerks need not apply unless you took the job before the release of the movie "High Fidelity" (must have proof--paystub, tax forms, etc. acceptable.)
Glasses okay unless they are not prescription. No colored contacts. All manners of shoes acceptable except military boots (army, etc.) and red chucks. Red chucks OK if you will share them with me. (I get them on Saturdays, Tuesdays. Fridays negotiable.)
Must be able to play the guitar and/or piano, enough for at least one song. Must be willing to strum thoughtfully to work through your problems, at least for a few minutes. If piano, must have own piano. Grand okay. No baby grands. Must know own piano mover or be willing to hire one.
Late-90's indie kid haircuts need not apply. Jet black hair okay only if natural. Right now I like 80's haircuts, but open to seeing the possibilities of 70's, etc. New haircuts not encouraged but possibly okay. Must not use more hair product than me in the morning; must not use less. Not willing to share hair products. Hair dryer sharing okay but discouraged. If have extra hair ties from last girlfriend willing to share with me, a plus.
Must like dogs but not have a dog. Must dislike cats but have one or two. Some strange pets okay; inquire in advance. Guidelines: no snakes, lizards; ferrets sort of cool. Must treat the cats well despite your dislike for them (bodes well for our relationship). Cats must have cool names; names that are too cat-like ("Mr. Claws," etc.) unacceptable unless they are pop culture references; then it will depend on coolness of what you are referencing.
Must read The Village Voice, or at least be willing to have it lying around. Must have vaguely dystopian political views; voting acceptable but I will not go with you. Attending protests ironically acceptable. Attending protests non-ironically discouraged. Must feel intensely about one or two minor issues never addressed by any mainstream political movements, so that the issue will never go away and the feelings will never need to be updated. Readers of New York Times okay. Wall Street Journal readers need not apply. USA Today need not apply. Willing to negotiate on LA Times but I will not read it. Subscribers of any newspaper with a "Funnies" section highly encouraged to apply. (Always wanted to tell someone I subscribe to a newspaper "for the funnies.")
Must be in good health. One semi-cool non-gross medical condition acceptable. For examples, see addendum. Practitioners of "Eastern medicine" need not apply; casual acupuncture OK. Ironic acupuncture a big plus. A medicine cabinet like the first scene of "Garden State" a big plus. (Not having any pills in the bottles okay.) Must have seen Garden State and like it, but not too much, and mostly for the soundtrack. Must be enthusiastic about the Iron&Wine song in particular; must like it more than the Postal Service original; must not under any circumstances like the second-to-newest Death Cab album. Not liking any Death Cab albums acceptable, possible big plus.
Teetotalers okay. Hyper-specific beer preferences okay; hyper-specific wine preferences not okay. No hard alcohol drinkers unless doing it over a lost love and/or me.
Must like semi-fictitious personal ads. Must be good at writing them but not better than me. Must keep a journal; paper encouraged; LiveJournal, Xanga unacceptable. Must be willing to read my blog and defend me from comments which do not "get it." Flickr accounts a plus pending review of what you have marked as your favorites. No MySpace accounts. Facebook okay if you are willing to mark your relationship with me as "It's Complicated" and/or "Married".
Must cry at parts of movies not traditionally thought sad. May not cry at "normal" sad parts unless alone (includes w/ me). Must have a stock of good lies to explain puffy eyes if I suddenly come in and ask you if you were crying at the end of "Steel Magnolias." Must not ever watch "Steel Magnolias" unless it is on TV and you fall asleep. Lies must not be so good as to fool me, but it is OK if it takes me a few minutes to figure out you were lying.
Must like playing games that no one has heard of. No Taboo players. Chess encouraged if you don't look like a chess player.
Must be willing to fit none of these requirements and still excite me. Must be able to help me get over my last boyfriend (who fit every single one of these categories). Must make me not want to file these ads anymore.
Must smell good.
Must like (ironically) Fraggle Rock, Care Bear cartoons, He-Man; must like (non-ironically) early Bowie, Mr. Show with Bob and David, etc. Willing to negotiate on late Bowie.
Must not be picky. Must not be wishy-washy. Must have strong preferences about which you are flexible. Must think my own inconsistencies with my desires is cute and/or mysterious. Must be willing to tell people you think so (not your mom) (mom okay if you tell several others).
Must have been raised Jewish and/or Catholic (no Presbyterians) but must not still be practicing in any sense. Muslims, other turban-centric religions need not apply. No Taoists. Buddhists OK. Confucians will require second round of interviews.
Must like cherries, strawberries, red grapes (no purples!!). Boysenberries absolutely unacceptable. Must be tall but not too tall. Must be strong but not "built." Tan okay. Pale okay. No acne. Must have own car.
Gay friends a plus. Gay parents a big plus. No "recovering gays" unless you went to the camp ironically. Fans of "But I'm a Cheerleader" encouraged to apply.
Must be willing to make up bands when asked what favorite bands are. MUST sound real. No cheating with computerized fake band generation programs.
Must like moonlight walks. Must dislike walks unlit by moonlight (includes sunlight). No bankers. Certain kinds of lawyers acceptable. Record store clerks need not apply unless you took the job before the release of the movie "High Fidelity" (must have proof--paystub, tax forms, etc. acceptable.)
Glasses okay unless they are not prescription. No colored contacts. All manners of shoes acceptable except military boots (army, etc.) and red chucks. Red chucks OK if you will share them with me. (I get them on Saturdays, Tuesdays. Fridays negotiable.)
Must be able to play the guitar and/or piano, enough for at least one song. Must be willing to strum thoughtfully to work through your problems, at least for a few minutes. If piano, must have own piano. Grand okay. No baby grands. Must know own piano mover or be willing to hire one.
Late-90's indie kid haircuts need not apply. Jet black hair okay only if natural. Right now I like 80's haircuts, but open to seeing the possibilities of 70's, etc. New haircuts not encouraged but possibly okay. Must not use more hair product than me in the morning; must not use less. Not willing to share hair products. Hair dryer sharing okay but discouraged. If have extra hair ties from last girlfriend willing to share with me, a plus.
Must like dogs but not have a dog. Must dislike cats but have one or two. Some strange pets okay; inquire in advance. Guidelines: no snakes, lizards; ferrets sort of cool. Must treat the cats well despite your dislike for them (bodes well for our relationship). Cats must have cool names; names that are too cat-like ("Mr. Claws," etc.) unacceptable unless they are pop culture references; then it will depend on coolness of what you are referencing.
Must read The Village Voice, or at least be willing to have it lying around. Must have vaguely dystopian political views; voting acceptable but I will not go with you. Attending protests ironically acceptable. Attending protests non-ironically discouraged. Must feel intensely about one or two minor issues never addressed by any mainstream political movements, so that the issue will never go away and the feelings will never need to be updated. Readers of New York Times okay. Wall Street Journal readers need not apply. USA Today need not apply. Willing to negotiate on LA Times but I will not read it. Subscribers of any newspaper with a "Funnies" section highly encouraged to apply. (Always wanted to tell someone I subscribe to a newspaper "for the funnies.")
Must be in good health. One semi-cool non-gross medical condition acceptable. For examples, see addendum. Practitioners of "Eastern medicine" need not apply; casual acupuncture OK. Ironic acupuncture a big plus. A medicine cabinet like the first scene of "Garden State" a big plus. (Not having any pills in the bottles okay.) Must have seen Garden State and like it, but not too much, and mostly for the soundtrack. Must be enthusiastic about the Iron&Wine song in particular; must like it more than the Postal Service original; must not under any circumstances like the second-to-newest Death Cab album. Not liking any Death Cab albums acceptable, possible big plus.
Teetotalers okay. Hyper-specific beer preferences okay; hyper-specific wine preferences not okay. No hard alcohol drinkers unless doing it over a lost love and/or me.
Must like semi-fictitious personal ads. Must be good at writing them but not better than me. Must keep a journal; paper encouraged; LiveJournal, Xanga unacceptable. Must be willing to read my blog and defend me from comments which do not "get it." Flickr accounts a plus pending review of what you have marked as your favorites. No MySpace accounts. Facebook okay if you are willing to mark your relationship with me as "It's Complicated" and/or "Married".
Must cry at parts of movies not traditionally thought sad. May not cry at "normal" sad parts unless alone (includes w/ me). Must have a stock of good lies to explain puffy eyes if I suddenly come in and ask you if you were crying at the end of "Steel Magnolias." Must not ever watch "Steel Magnolias" unless it is on TV and you fall asleep. Lies must not be so good as to fool me, but it is OK if it takes me a few minutes to figure out you were lying.
Must like playing games that no one has heard of. No Taboo players. Chess encouraged if you don't look like a chess player.
Must be willing to fit none of these requirements and still excite me. Must be able to help me get over my last boyfriend (who fit every single one of these categories). Must make me not want to file these ads anymore.
Must smell good.
posted by Anonymous at 9:03 AM
2 Comments:
I laughed. I laughed a lot. Thanks! :-)
Wow.
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